Terri
05-23-2004, 08:32 AM
Subject: just some Tuesday humor
>
> >
> >If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
> >produced
> >enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
> >(Hardly seems worth it.)
> >
> >If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
> >produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
> >(Now that's more like it!)
> >
> >The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
> >to squirt blood 30 feet.
> >(O.M.G.!)
> >
> >A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
> >(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
> >
> >A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
> >death.
> >(Creepy.)
> >(I'm still not over the pig.)
> >
> >Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
> >(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
> >
> >The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
> >its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
> >("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
> >
> >The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
> >jumping the length of a football field.
> >(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
> >
> >The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
> >(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
> >
> >Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
> >(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
> >
> >Butterflies taste with their feet.
> >(Something I always wanted to know.)
> >
> >The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
> >(Hmmmmmm........)
> >
> >Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
> >left-handed people.
> >(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
> >
> >Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
> >(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
> >
> >A cat's urine glows under a black light.
> >(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
> >
> >An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
> >(I know some people like that.)
> >
> >Starfish have no brains.
> >(I know some people like that too.)
> >
> >Polar bears are left-handed.
> >(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
> >
> >Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
> >(What about that pig??)
> >Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
> >stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to
> >(maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone
> >
> >
> >1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
> >unprotected.
> >2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
> >3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
> >4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore
> >helmets.
> >5. Do you think illiterate people get the full affect of alphabet
> >soup?
> >6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
> >specific.
> >7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,
> >but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
> >8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but
> >anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
> >9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a
> >day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
> >10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock
> >every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
> >picking the locks; they are always locking three of them.
> >11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of
> >mental illness. Think, of two of your best friends. If they are OK,
> >then it must be you.
> >12. They show you how detergent takes out bloodstains. I think if
> >you've got a tee shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your
> >laundry isn't your biggest problem.
> >13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell
> >you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my dog is
> >beautiful, but I only have photographs on the walls.
> >14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket,
> >and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?".
> >I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to
> >kill you too."
> >15. Future historians will be able to study at; the Jimmy Carter
> >Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the
> >Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
> >
>
> >
> >If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
> >produced
> >enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
> >(Hardly seems worth it.)
> >
> >If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
> >produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
> >(Now that's more like it!)
> >
> >The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
> >to squirt blood 30 feet.
> >(O.M.G.!)
> >
> >A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
> >(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
> >
> >A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
> >death.
> >(Creepy.)
> >(I'm still not over the pig.)
> >
> >Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
> >(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
> >
> >The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
> >its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
> >("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
> >
> >The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
> >jumping the length of a football field.
> >(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
> >
> >The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
> >(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
> >
> >Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
> >(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
> >
> >Butterflies taste with their feet.
> >(Something I always wanted to know.)
> >
> >The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
> >(Hmmmmmm........)
> >
> >Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
> >left-handed people.
> >(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
> >
> >Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
> >(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
> >
> >A cat's urine glows under a black light.
> >(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
> >
> >An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
> >(I know some people like that.)
> >
> >Starfish have no brains.
> >(I know some people like that too.)
> >
> >Polar bears are left-handed.
> >(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
> >
> >Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
> >(What about that pig??)
> >Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
> >stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to
> >(maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone
> >
> >
> >1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
> >unprotected.
> >2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
> >3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
> >4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore
> >helmets.
> >5. Do you think illiterate people get the full affect of alphabet
> >soup?
> >6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
> >specific.
> >7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,
> >but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
> >8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but
> >anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
> >9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a
> >day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
> >10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock
> >every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
> >picking the locks; they are always locking three of them.
> >11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of
> >mental illness. Think, of two of your best friends. If they are OK,
> >then it must be you.
> >12. They show you how detergent takes out bloodstains. I think if
> >you've got a tee shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your
> >laundry isn't your biggest problem.
> >13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell
> >you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my dog is
> >beautiful, but I only have photographs on the walls.
> >14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket,
> >and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?".
> >I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to
> >kill you too."
> >15. Future historians will be able to study at; the Jimmy Carter
> >Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the
> >Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
> >