Andi
07-05-2004, 04:59 PM
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
>
> there was "something wrong" with one of the two
>
> hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
>
> "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm
>
> serious, Dad. Can you help?"
>
> I put my best hamster-healer _expression on my face
>
> and followed him into his bedroom.
>
>
>
> One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his
>
> back, looking stressed.
>
> I immediately knew what to do.
>
> "Honey", I called, "come look at the hamster!"
>
> "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's
>
> having babies."
>
> "What?" my son demanded.
>
> "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
>
> I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I
>
> thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I
>
> accused my wife.
>
> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
>
> cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this
>
> sarcastically!)
>
> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
>
> reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,
>
> while gritting my teeth together).
>
> "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>
> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
>
> you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm,
>
> you think?)
>
> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what
>
> was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of
>
> it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,
>
> I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
>
> birth."
>
> "OH, Gross!" they shrieked.
>
> "Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do
>
> with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife
>
> wanted to know. (I really do think she was being
>
> snotty here, too, don't you?)
>
> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
>
> looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
>
> vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to
>
> be making much progress," I noted.
>
> "Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>
> "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay."
>
> Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
>
> next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It
>
> disappeared. I tried several more times with the
>
> same results.
>
> "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to
>
> know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
>
> (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
>
>
>
>
>
> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
>
> We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in
>
> his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
>
> "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted
>
> to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
>
> mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is
>
> of her womb, for God's sake.)
>
> The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
>
> peered at the little animal through a magnifying
>
> glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?"
>
> suggested scientifically.
>
> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
>
> "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately
>
> for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
>
> outside.
>
> "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
>
> "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is
>
> not in labor.
>
> In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a
>
> boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
>
> occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
>
> male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the
>
> way he did, lying on his back."
>
> He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what
>
> I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
>
> We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited,"
>my
>wife offered.
>
> "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
>
> understood. More silence.
>
> Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And
>
> giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
>
> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
>
> believing that the woman I married would commit the
>
> upcoming affront to my FLAWLESS manliness.
>
> Tears were now running down her face. "It's
>
> just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...
>
> its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to
>
> bellow in laughter once more.
>
> "That's enough," I warned.
>
> We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the
>
> hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad
>
> everything was going to be okay.
>
> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done,
>
> Dad," he told me.
>
> "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing
>
> with laughter.
>
> 2 Hamsters ... $10
>
> 1 Cage ..... $20
>
> 1 Trip to the Vet .... $30 Memory of your husband
>
> pulling on a hamster's winkie. ..Priceless.
>
> there was "something wrong" with one of the two
>
> hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
>
> "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm
>
> serious, Dad. Can you help?"
>
> I put my best hamster-healer _expression on my face
>
> and followed him into his bedroom.
>
>
>
> One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his
>
> back, looking stressed.
>
> I immediately knew what to do.
>
> "Honey", I called, "come look at the hamster!"
>
> "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's
>
> having babies."
>
> "What?" my son demanded.
>
> "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
>
> I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I
>
> thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I
>
> accused my wife.
>
> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
>
> cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this
>
> sarcastically!)
>
> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
>
> reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,
>
> while gritting my teeth together).
>
> "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>
> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
>
> you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm,
>
> you think?)
>
> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what
>
> was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of
>
> it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,
>
> I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
>
> birth."
>
> "OH, Gross!" they shrieked.
>
> "Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do
>
> with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife
>
> wanted to know. (I really do think she was being
>
> snotty here, too, don't you?)
>
> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
>
> looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
>
> vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to
>
> be making much progress," I noted.
>
> "Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>
> "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay."
>
> Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
>
> next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It
>
> disappeared. I tried several more times with the
>
> same results.
>
> "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to
>
> know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
>
> (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
>
>
>
>
>
> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
>
> We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in
>
> his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
>
> "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted
>
> to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
>
> mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is
>
> of her womb, for God's sake.)
>
> The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
>
> peered at the little animal through a magnifying
>
> glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?"
>
> suggested scientifically.
>
> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
>
> "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately
>
> for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
>
> outside.
>
> "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
>
> "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is
>
> not in labor.
>
> In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a
>
> boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
>
> occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
>
> male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the
>
> way he did, lying on his back."
>
> He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what
>
> I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
>
> We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited,"
>my
>wife offered.
>
> "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
>
> understood. More silence.
>
> Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And
>
> giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
>
> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
>
> believing that the woman I married would commit the
>
> upcoming affront to my FLAWLESS manliness.
>
> Tears were now running down her face. "It's
>
> just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...
>
> its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to
>
> bellow in laughter once more.
>
> "That's enough," I warned.
>
> We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the
>
> hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad
>
> everything was going to be okay.
>
> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done,
>
> Dad," he told me.
>
> "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing
>
> with laughter.
>
> 2 Hamsters ... $10
>
> 1 Cage ..... $20
>
> 1 Trip to the Vet .... $30 Memory of your husband
>
> pulling on a hamster's winkie. ..Priceless.