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Thread: You know you're a biker when

  1. #1
    RiderInfo Regular Rider Info Insider
    TAZ's Avatar
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    You know you're a biker when

    ...


    Any one of your bikes is worth more than your car.
    You choose an apartment solely on the basis of whether or not it is flat enough to ride into and how close the good roads/trails are.
    The first thing you ask when you regain consciousness is "How's my bike".
    You actually move farther form work so your bike commute will be longer.
    Your learn you have X money left over after paying bills and the first thing you do is reach for the nearest motorcycle catalog.
    You dream of winning the lottery, and the first thing you think of is "how many/which bikes can that money buy?"
    You can tell your significant other with a straight face that its too hot to mow the lawn then take off and go for a ride.
    You know the distance of every point of interest within 20 miles of your house as well as the location of every pot-hole along the way.



    Murphy's 10 Laws of Motorcycling



    A motorcycle cannot fall over without an audience.
    The odds of a motorcycle falling over are directly proportional to the size of the audience and of the owner's ego. (Newness and expense of the bike are contributing factors.)
    Motorcycles are to yellow bugs as aircraft carriers once were to Kamikaze pilots.
    You will not feel the need to go to the restroom until after you have put on your rainsuit.
    The fact that your keys are still in your pants pocket will only become apparent after you have put on your gloves.
    Quick fixes are so named for how long they stay fixed.
    The only part you really need will also be the only part on permanent backorder.
    Nothing is harder to start than a used motorcycle being shown to a prospective buyer.
    You will never suffer a punctured tire on the road until you leave the repair kit at home.
    "Universal" accessories are so named because that is what you must search to find the bike they fit.


    Why motorcycles are better than women:


    Your motorcycle doesn't get upset when you forget it's birthday.
    You don't have to talk to your motorcycle after you ride it.
    You can choke your motorcycle.
    Your motorcycle doesn't get mad when you ignore it for a month or so.
    Motorcycles don't get jealous if you come home with grease under your fingernails.
    Motorcycles don't snore.
    Your motorcycle won't wake you up at 3:00 AM and ask you if you love it.
    Your motorcycle won't leave you for another rider.
    You don't have to pay child support / alimony to an ex-motorcycle.
    If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
    If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
    If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
    If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
    If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
    If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
    If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
    If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
    It's always OK to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
    Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
    Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
    Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
    Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
    Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
    Motorcycles don't have parents.
    Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
    Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
    Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
    Motorcycles last longer.
    Motorcycles' curves never sag.
    When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
    You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
    You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
    You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
    You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
    You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
    You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
    You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
    You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is REALLY worn.
    Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
    Your Motorcycle doesn't care what you're wearing when you take it out.
    Motorcycles always sound pleasant.



    If Bikers ran the country...


    The wearing of ties to work by men would be frowned on, as would the wearing of bras and panties for women.
    The opening days of Sturgis and Daytona would be national holidays.
    Third world dictators would be dealt with in the same manner as one would deal with a wino who just puked on his scoot.
    All money from traffic violations would go into a huge keg fund.
    Anyone who used a firearm to defend his home or property from vandals would have a street named after him.
    Tattoos would be funded by the National Endowment for the Arts.
    The money currently being spent on Mars probes and other useless junk would be used to fund research into finding the cure for the common hangover.
    Sexual harassment laws would be more open to interpretation and would allow for the fact that most men are really basically just pigs.
    Global warming would be encouraged since riding in the snow is such a pain in the ass.



    Shipwrecked

    A biker finally decided to try something besides riding for a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.

    In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

    "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

    "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

    "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

    "But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

    "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

    The guy is stunned.

    "Let's row over to my place, " she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.

    As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

    "No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

    "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

    Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

    No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism.

    "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

    When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

    "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes.

    He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck:

    "You mean...", he gasps, "...you've actually built a Harley??"

  2. #2
    On the Farm Rider Info Insider
    FX's Avatar
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    I love the punch line of the last joke. Good stuff.
    "What does it mean to you? For me, it's something I just do."

  3. #3
    Active Member Spooge's Avatar
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    Haha, That's good stuff!

  4. #4
    Active Member chaos62's Avatar
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    Taz for congress
    ONE BY ONE THE PENGUINS STEAL MY SANITY

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