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Thread: Pocket Stun Gun ,a great gift for the wife

  1. #1
    RiderInfo Regular lehighlots's Avatar
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    Pocket Stun Gun ,a great gift for the wife

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
    my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
    little something extra for my wife Julie.
    What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
    effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
    affect on your assailant,
    allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
    home.

    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
    Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
    AN D pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
    electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
    the face of her microwave.
    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
    it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
    batteries, right?
    There I sat in my recli ner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
    (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
    thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
    blood moving target.
    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
    second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
    to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
    some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
    reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
    directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a
    one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
    was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
    three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like
    a fish out of water. Any burst longer th an three seconds would be wasting the
    batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
    long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
    two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as
    to say, " don't do it dipshit,"
    reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole
    thing co u ldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
    one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to
    my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD
    . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
    picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
    carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking
    up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body
    soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
    found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
    position, and tingling in my legs?

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
    a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
    obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
    flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
    yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
    hand by a violent thrashing
    about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered
    conservative?

    SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
    that point), I collected my wits (w hat little I had left), sat up and surveyed
    the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
    The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
    was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
    twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
    and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the
    drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know
    for sure and my sense of smell was gone.; I saw a faint smoke
    cloud above my head which I believe was came from my hair. I'm still looking
    for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward
    for their safe return!!

    P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

    "If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."
    Lehighlots
    American Legion Rider POST #318

  2. #2
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    I guess that's why Ricky wouldn't let me buy one at the Cabbage Patch during Bike Week.

  3. #3
    Lost bufordtpisser's Avatar
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    Ricky shuffles and twitches enough without needing a jolt from a stun gun. Now Humphry on the other hand could probably benefit from the experience. No disrespect intended Lehigh, but that was funny shit there. Would you consider doing it again, but only this time in front of a video camera so the rest of us can enjoy it?? That would be priceless and possibly get you the $10,000 prize on Americas funniest home videos.

  4. #4
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    LEWY's Avatar
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    I dont think I could take watching it on video, I'm crying with laughter just reading it. You just made my day lehighlots.

  5. #5
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    A video would be great... I bet we could sell some......
    If you expect the freedom that you say is yours
    Prove that you deserve it, help us to preserve it
    Or being free will just be words and nothing more
    - Kansas -

  6. #6
    RiderInfo Regular lehighlots's Avatar
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    for anyone to do that a second time to their self I think the last line says it all.

    "If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."
    Lehighlots
    American Legion Rider POST #318

  7. #7
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    Ricky RoadKing's Avatar
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    Funny as Hell! Imagine the chaos if Aja had one!
    Oh I used to be disgusted
    and now I try to be amused.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ricky RoadKing View Post
    Funny as Hell! Imagine the chaos if Aja had one!
    Yeah, you and FX would have been laying on my terrazzo floor, drooling and twitching, with shit in your pants during Bike Week. Probably a few times.

    Buford would have been spared.

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